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Sun, Dec. 10th, 2006, 01:06 am

ok so i don't really believe in this blog thing but ive conviced my self i need to have somewhere to put everything. so i guess this is the only alternative. i think blogs are pathetic calls for attention from people but not all i guess...umm well what do i write here? it takes alot for me to actually write things..i usually try to keep it in as much as possible.i dont know why. im confused about everything. i want help yet i dont. i want to get better yet i dont. i want to actually allow myself to do things- maybe even smile and really be happy ( i dont know what 'happy' is, havent for a long time) yet i dont. i want to recover yet i dont. i want to feel good about myself- let myself do things- wear clothes that i dont usually wear i.e. anything not related to a t-shirt and 3/4 black pants- and actually not feel conscious but maybe even 'pretty' ( whatever that is -_- :s -_-) yet i dont........sigh. im pathetic. i dont feel sorry for myself i just want to get over all this shit so i can do something with my life! i think..i want to recover? its been too long now..i want mom and my family,especially mom to be happy. i dont care if im fucking miserable. i just want her to be happy. its not fair that i do this to her-them.im trapped. why?? WHY?? i really want to help people and animals. mainly animals. i love animals soooo much. i would die for any type of animal. it fucking pisses me off that people are so selfish and ignorant about the environment ( which includes animals obviously. lol ) people are so fucking selfish and cruel. i just hate it. so inconsiderate. damn it. animals are just as importnat as us. i could go ona bout hisb ut ill stop now. sorry. my idol is Ms. Jane Goodall. wow. research her. she's amazing. she went to work with chimpanzees in her early 20s in africa. she has done so much and learnt so much with them. that my dream to do the same or something like it. or help african children and under privelaged- the innocent who are entrapped int oa miserable life. or both. im really passionate about he environment. most peoplei n school know that about me -_-.but i dont see any future for myself. not with this. ive tried to recover several times but it just doesnt sem to work. i go up, down, up, down, up , up , down, up, down , down , down , stationary, up, down, stationary........thats how it goes. but mostly stationary. -_-. theres also a once in a lifetime opportunity that was bestowed upon me kinda recently- to attend Global Young Leaders Conference in either USA or Europe. but i have to 1. get a lot of money within approximately 1 1/2 wks to be able to pay for the tuitition plus a flight. approximately 50 ooo plus TT dollars.-_-.i doubt ill get the $. ive been trying for sponsors but no responses. 2> i have to reach 100 lbs! SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i.e. i have to be better. im only going to work towards that which is next year july if i know for sure im going but im about 80% thinking im not going to be able to go cause of $. so im not working towards it. i realllyyyyyyyy want to go but $ is the main problem. anyway. enough for now. thanks.